Sometimes, they really have nothing else to do!

Man confronts PM at a Press Conference

Singh in happier times

And amidst announcements of the hike in petrol prices by 5 Rs, NTMN brings to you credible information about the events at Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s press conference yesterday. Our source at the conference revealed that an unknown man, who was visibly agitated, broke through the security barrier of the conference, joined Mr. Singh on the stage, and started ridiculing him face-to-face about price rise.

“What exactly do you intend to gain by increasing the price of petrol? Do you want to wage the non-existing war against Pakistan to expose India’s fifty most wanted men hiding there? Or, do you propose to strengthen the borders and the security of the nation? Or, simply the development of the entire country, the upliftment of the poor, improvement of education system, WHAT? I WANT AN ANSWER!” the man from Delhi, M.N.Lakhwi, a simple worker at a factory, is reported to have said.

Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, clearly taken aback by this sudden outburst was lost for words, and could merely muster a “Err…”, before quickly reaching for his cell-phone, furiously texting for instructions on his reply from a certain Mrs. Gandhi. It wasn’t until a couple of minutes later, that he received the reply, and Mr. Singh, now with an air of confidence about him, took up the microphone and spoke calmly. “India shall hunt down every single one of the terrorists, who have dared to attack on its sovereign soil. I would like to extend a hand of support towards Pakistan President Zardari, who has been nothing short of cooperative on his part. We will sit together later this month, have some coffee, and discuss on how to keep making statements like these in the press conferences”, quickly realizing that the last line was for him to read-only  from Mrs. Gandhi, he spoke “My bad!”

The Prime Minister’s reply flummoxed the entire group of reporters, as one of them shouted over the rising noise in the room, “You answered the wrong question!”

“Hmm, I see. The price of petrol has been hiked keeping in mind the inflation of the global market. Do you have any idea how the price of this suit I’m wearing has gone up? Or, my Adidas sneakers? Or, my Calvin-Klein-”, abruptly pausing gauging the delicacy of the matter, “Let’s just say- our hands are tied, and there simply, is no other solution than to raise the prices.”

M.N.Lakhwi, standing besides Singh on the stage, was twisting with rage, as he spoke with a menacing growl, “Nonsense, I will tell you what you intend to gain by increasing the price! You are robbing the public of their money so that you and your corrupt buddies ministers can go on private vacations, build multi-storeyed buildings for your pets to relax, or for recreation- buy an IPL team. And, I suppose everyone would like to have some dirty-talk with Bipasha Basu for hours, now that Amar Singh has made it public- well someone has to pay for the phone bill - Why not the public itself?”

At this point, Manmohan Singh realized that this verbal spat would affect his public image at large, so he quickly came up with a justification, “I never really had a thing for Bipasha. Well, it would be a whole different ballgame if it were Katrina Kaif. And as far as private vacations are concerned, I have never been on one alone with my wife, since I always ensure Sonia Madame comes along too.” 

By now, the PM was vary of giving explanations, as he had realized that even his personal relations were at stake. He quickly asked his guards to throw the man out of the room and the reporters to not publish or telecast the entire event. He continued, “So where were we?”, before pausing in to check on his cell phone again and after a sly smile stroked in some keys. We can only assume he wrote, “LOL, TC, CYA, XOXOXO!” to a certain someone.

Take a Bow, Sourav Ganguly

Throughout my life, many people have asked me- Why Sourav Ganguly? Why not the great Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar? Why not the charismatic Mahendra Singh Dhoni? Or the swashbuckling Virender Sehwag? And, I have maintained my answer all along- Because, no one can silence the critics like he can. 

Every single time you would think of him as down and out, he would get back up, refusing to read the writing on the wall, refusing to take that final nail in the coffin, and would prove over and over again that it ain’t over, until he says its over. 

It so happened today, that I was watching him face Deccan pacer Dan Christian, when a friend of mine seated nearby says “Ganguly looks so scared when facing these fast bowlers”. The next ball, he charged down the pitch and swatted the ball through extra-covers for four, and with a smug smile, I thought, “He always proves them wrong! And how!”

I simply do not know of a player/celebrity/person who can polarize the opinions of people like Sourav “Dada” Ganguly can. If he has a million fans, he would certainly have two million critics, and that is where the beauty of this whole comeback thing lies. Just the other day, Navjot Singh Sidhu (lol) said about him, "A ship looks great when it's at the anchor but it's not meant for that..it has to sail", and frankly I don’t even know what he was implying here. But, if he meant that Ganguly is out of place in the IPL, which I think he did, Ganguly has already made him look like a fool (Not that he doesn’t look like one already). 32 runs out of 32 balls is no big deal, but for a cricketer who hasn’t had a bat in his hand for five months, to come out and make a statement like he did (and come down the track and smash a spinner for a six like only he can) just typifies the obvious, “YOU CAN NEVER COUNT THIS MAN OUT!”

Above all, to have the courage, the grit to fight against politics, against the system and hold your own in a country as corrupt as India gives me and the other millions of fans the hope and the motivation that “Maybe one man can make a difference after all.”

On behalf of every single person who has been an ardent follower of your Infi-Godly drives through the offside and the massive towering sixes over the years, “I SALUTE YOU DADA!”

UNRAVELED: How Osama really died!

Finally, the jury is out. Osama Bin Laden is dead once and for all. Or is he? While there may be controversies surrounding the manner of his death and reports indicating that he was planning another attack on the US come this 9/11, an insider from CIA- which carried out the covert operation to hunt Bin Laden- has quite different ideas. In an exclusive interview, he revealed it all.

When quipped whether Bin Laden was indeed planning other attacks on USA or other countries, the source divulged, “Ah, not at all. Osama during the last few years had become fed up with the raids, the explosions, the attacks, everything. For hours, he would relax in the swimming pool with his wives, girlfriends, while his kids and grandsons would play softball in the lawn. Pakistan president Asif Ali Zardari would often join in to share lemonades and subtle jokes alongside General Parvez Musharraf.”

To verify his claims, he provided us with a recording of the shootout at Osama’s hideout in Pakistan. Here are the excerpts:

US Soldier 1: “Put your hands where I can see them.”

Osama: “Dude! Can’t you see I’m busy down here in the swimming pool. But, if you insist, feel free to join in alongside the ladies.”

US Soldier 1: “If you do not raise your arms, I will personally shoot you in the head.”

Osama: “Okay, okay. Easy man! I will come out. Why are you guys always so serious? I have a bar down in the mansion, let’s hang out, have a couple of drinks and work this thing out.”

US Soldier 1: “You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will-“

Osama: “- be used against you in the court of law. Blah, blah, blah. Wow, you people watch way too many movies. Give me a break!”

US Soldier 2: “Sir, please allow me to shoot this piece of crap.”

US Soldier 3: “His offer is worth a try. There is no harm in having a few drinks and listening what he has to say.”

Osama: “See, that’s what I’m talking about. Way to go, man. By the way, you look kind-of-cute. You and me, what say?”

US Soldier 1: “You are disgusting. Somebody, shoot this guy.”

Osama: “What? That’s no reason to shoot me. Come on, you are being unreasonable here. Get me President Obama on your cell phone”

Obama: “Yes we can, yes we can!”

Osama: “Hey dude, What’s up? Say hello to Michele for me, will you!”

Obama: “Yes we can, yes we can!”

Osama: “This is irritating. How do Americans put up with you?”

Obama: “Yes we can, yes we can!”

At this point, out of sheer frustration Bin Laden grabs a gun from nearby soldier, puts it on his own forehead and says, “Tell them I died a happy man” and pulls the trigger.

In related news, Pakistan president Asif Ali Zardari has come out to bash the released footage, claiming doctoring of the video, “Osama Bin Laden is not dead. Just the other day, I received a missed call from his number. He also texted me later, “How about dinner tonight?” And of course, the biggest proof that he is still alive is his Facebook status update, “Alive and still kicking some American ass, guys! YO!” Don’t worry I will have my picture clicked alongside him today and show it to you people tomorrow. IN YOUR FACE, HUH!”

*This is a work of fiction and should not be misinterpreted for anything factual related to the topic.*

SRK reveals secret behind Ganguly's return to IPL

In what will have come as a rude shock to Shakrukh Khan and his Kolkata Knight Riders team, Pune Warriors India have signed on former India Captain Sourav Ganguly for the rest of the season in IPL 4. There has been speculation about the reasons behind Ganguly’s signing and we have reason to believe it was SRK himself, who from behind the scenes orchestrated the entire operation.

After being hounded by our reporters for hours, a visibly distraught SRK blurted it all out before catching his flight to Mumbai, “Yes, it was I who instigated this move.” When he was asked, what was the reason behind it, he explained, “See, ever since the beginning, the Knight Riders have been threatened by the Pune Warriors team, with their pool of talented youngsters such as Murali Kartik and technically sound batsmen like Robin Uthappa. It was then that I realized, that the one common thing in all our last three disastrous IPL campaigns was the presence of Ganguly in our team. Naturally, since we felt so vulnerable with the quality that Pune team boasts and we wanted them to lose their upcoming matches, I pulled in a couple of favors, a few phone calls, and bam- there he was, on the team.”

When he was reminded that Pune Warriors are already languishing at the bottom of the table, with a sly smile, he replied, “You already see the intricacy of my master-plan, don’t you? The “Dada” effect has been showing on the Warriors, even before he actually signed!” With a sinister grin and a laughter reminiscent of the old Mahabharata days, he ran away from the reporters when wife Gauri Khan showed up with a broom and a wand in her hand, too inspired by the Deathly Hallows 2 trailer we presume.

To verify King Khan’s claims, we decided to check with Sourav himself and he returned the favor in kind, “Well, Shahrukh Khan is my idol. All these years when I have been on the team, without scoring runs, without doing anything really, other than being called (with a chuckle) ‘India’s most successful captain’, I have actually been trying to emulate Mr.Khan himself. He has been a real inspiration for me with his series of flops over the years, the way he shows up at events uninvited, the way he presents to the world a face completely different from his own and above all, how he always keeps saying ‘I’m a sportsman at heart’. “

Finally, an insider at the Pune Warriors team, who did not wish to be named, gave us the scoop “We are already at the bottom of the table. How further can we go down? We have signed on Ganguly to get some media coverage and attract a fan base. As soon as we have that, we will show him the boot, just like SRK. Also, we will be able to verify the claims that with Ganguly in your team, you can never reach the semifinals. Since we are already out of the semifinals, we wanted to give him a chance to preserve his hundred percent record.”

In other exciting news, Osama Bin Laden continues to haunt his wives from beyond the dead. A video has been released, in which an angry Osama yells at his wives, telling them not to remarry, but only have casual relationships. He also goes on to say one-night stands are okay, but he would prefer if they used an Osama-impostor!